You are the only person that I thought I can count on; I can run to, whenever I feel miserable. You are the only person that I am counting on to bring joy in my daily life. The only interesting thing for me is to receive a loving message from you, those words the only thing that keep me going daily. I look for it every day and I wait for it every day and it brighten my day knowing that I am not alone and you are there caring for me. Only words, but it makes wonder in my world.
My life is crappy and I badly need comfort. I tried to run to you for comfort, sometimes you are busy, so I wait. I still need comfort, you are still busy, so I wait some more. I still longing to find comfort in you, caused you are the only one that I have and matter. Why I keep pestering you for extra attention, caused you are the only one that I have and I thought can be my source of comfort daily. Even only through online messages.
So I wait, but when the loving gestures didn’t come, and you don’t even know that I need you so badly, I am feeling hurt and very left out. I wait when you were busy, when you are free, you don’t come to me, you have others things to do and have fun. Of course, you are allowed to have fun. But, what about me? I am still waiting to be comforted. The more I wait and the more I feel you never come around, I feel so silly to keep wanting to find comfort in you. You said you care, but from this end all I feel that I am waiting, waiting and if I tried to make a scene, you slam the door, and I am left alone again, still lost and still looking for comfort.
Every time I try to confront you with this feeling, instead of your understanding and your comfort, I get a rebuke. No matter how over reacted my attack, the bottom line is all I need is comfort and loving care. I need justification of my feeling. When I run to you, you feel attacked (which I did attack) and you do not see anything else and do not hear anything else except my attack (seeking your attention by attacking you, I know, I don’t know how else).
You need justification that you don’t do anything wrong, justification of why I attacked you, so unreasonably attacking you. You need justification. You slam the door, until I can give you that justification. In the process, I am left alone again, still feeling as miserable as ever, no justification for me, not from my own conscience. I do need my justification, I need my comfort, and I need someone treating me lovingly. I don’t have anyone else but you. But you need justification of my attack, slam the door; leave me alone to lick my wound. My life is still crappy, I am still miserable. I thought I can find my comfort in you.
Connected with you daily, is the only thing that get me through my day. It is very important to me to know that someone do care and feel it strongly in my heart. You still don’t understand after all this time that I count on you for emotional stability? Am I so wrong to expect this? Is it truly a burden to give me this daily comfort that I have to beg for it? Do you need me to beg? How do I do that? I think by writing this down is already humiliating enough for me. You still do not understand where I am coming from? You still do not understand why I run to you for comfort? What other justification that you need more beside I know that I attacked you? For the reason above this for me is very clear.
You think that I am looking for problems in our relationship? There is only one problem; I need you as my source of daily comfort. You are the only one that I have. But, you do not think that understanding that I need that is important and such you don’t think it’s a big deal to give me that comfort. I know you have everything else in your life; I am just a fraction of it. But, you are a big chunk in mine. Can you understand that?
If after all this said and done, you still do not understand why I react the way I do. What do you want from me?
That’s my latest email to him, which he never replies to. I never know why he never replies to my emails whenever we had a fight and because I can’t have him for a face to face conversation, I wrote all what crosses my mind, all that I feel in writing and email it to him. Silence. Even when we finally made up and on a speaking term again, he never response to my writings.
Speaking of which, we are not in contact these days. He needs time to think.
“I can come there anytime. It’s just the matter of arranging for the visa and permit. Whether we submit the partnership application at the embassy here or in Wellington; that’s a matter that we can discuss later. I can be there with a holiday visa sponsored by you. Hon, the bottom line that I want to hear from you is; do you want me there? Do you want a life with me? Things will be difficult for us at the start; do you think you can afford me until I can find myself a job?”
“I don’t know. I need time to think.”
“What do you mean by you don’t know?”
“Exactly it, I don’t know.”
“… Hon, you don’t know whether you want me or not? What is your heart saying? If you don’t know whether you love me and want me by now, what other kind of answer that you’re searching for?”
“It’s not that simple, it’s not black and white. I don’t know. I need time to think.”
“How long do you want me to wait for you? A day, a week, a month, a year, what?”
“Give me two weeks.”