All right! Here goes nothing! In waiting, in the effort to numb senses and slow down the usual thinking pattern, in between jobs, the God’s forbidden land for those with a chipped pride on the shoulder. Well, all of the above or maybe just for the sake of sanity. Somehow, my brain told my desire, my desire told my fingers to write. Ok, so write I shall. A little voice in my head also says that this is good, this is a therapeutic activity much-needed to pass the day. Well, it is obviously better than fattening oneself with tons of foods.
But then, how am I supposed to begin this so-called therapeutic act. Should I start from the day I was born? No I cant, my brain of emotions haven’t really developed yet at that time. Still adjusting the intake of air to my lung instead of the familiar fish like life I was used to for 9 months. Should I start from the future, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow? Don’t think so too. I might not have anything to say about the days to come. Maybe I should start from this very moment. What have led to this very moment? Yeah….? A big blank, blank, blank. Yes, I have to admit, two hands down, I even don’t know how, why, what, could lead to this, to me, my complicated life as it surely feels now. But I surely have to start from somewhere.
How about starting from how I think my surrounding perceived me? Maybe this could be a good start. As however I try to resist and reject, I am still a social being. And unfortunately, what other people think of me or comment on my actions, do matter to how I see myself. Yes, it is surely fruitless to think that I have evolved higher than this. Useless to think that I am beyond what other people’s perception of me, I am and sure will always be effected and endlessly trying to seek approval from others just to feel good about myself and my doing.
Come square and analyze what has just crossed the mind. I surely want to believe that I could survive without others approving nods, without other accusing fingers on things that they do not approved. No matter how often I have told myself, others opinions will not matter and that their branded labels on me will not make me less human. I am still wondering, did it? Does it? Will not matter? Who am I actually? If I am saying that others yakkydy yak will not matter. Why? Every single time, I am bound to think and consider and re-introspecting myself again and again and have all these thoughts of pros and cons running wild in my head back and forward, back and forward and back again which finally leave me drained and very tired? And still feel empty and ready for another set of arguments with whoever crossed my path to defense myself, to stand a ground to prove they are wrong and I am right? What for? What is the use in it? The only thing that I could soundly state and agree with logic is, this is my entire ego seeking an approval. Quite useless and so what? Another day will go by and then I calm down, and act like I never have a battle with anyone over nothing or praise myself for taking a stand on something. On what? On working myself flat-out and dramatizing on all, the all too well life dramas and life episodes? Doesn’t the TV have enough soap operas? Don’t the books spill all that emotional tragedies? Don’t the songs sang high and low and heehaw on that forlorn subject? Should I add more to the session by documenting my own pathetic of whatever life I am having right now?
Yes…. the little red devil in me sigh satisfactorily and smile happily. Now that I am fighting with myself on the due course that I have no one to talk to. The fight is still burned the same for him. Down, down, down to hell I am. Conscience is the worst thing to have in this time while juggling one subject of an argument to the next.
When talking about what others consider of me. I surely can’t help but thinking, is it only me? Or all of those people have the same problems? Surely, I could not read anyone’s mind and maybe too numb to realize and to connect with anyone. This little me just notice that the verbal words and the unspoken certain degrading gestures hurt like hell. Do they? Do they have the same thoughts? There is no way I could find that out. There is no way I could try to figure out others, while so caught up in my own self and my own thinking. But somehow, maybe by trying to figure out about my own self, it could somehow help me figure out others. After all, we do make out of the same substance, same chemicals, and same particles. The things that make me tick, why shouldn’t it make others tick too? Let’s not go all scientific about this or philosophical over this. I am simply trying; desperately trying to figure out what is happening to me and why my existence depends heavily on others. Take it or leave it, is not the question. The effects on my sanity are too much to bear.
Therapeutic. Ah! My ass! I can feel myself turning upside down again, with feeling kind of familiar, kind of like a type of anger, similar sounds like: ding-dong you going nowhere and work myself out for nothing. Nothing. Let’s just forget the whole things, sweep everything under the carpet. Seriously numb my senses again and doze to the subconscious. It worked well before, why shouldn’t it work now. Come on, you need to relax, take a deep breath and forget. Forget. Lure yourself. There is nothing to this; there is no significant value whatsoever. Why bother? Forget, forget. That is exactly why we human can only use less than 10% of our brain. To forget, that’s why. To prevent us from going berserk every time a call on a decision-making time beyond your control and power occurs. There is nothing to decide, be cool, stay cool, peace man! Life goes on, whether you are aware of it or not. You are just a speck of dust in this wide universe. How could you possibly think that your thinking and your battle actually mean something to the continuity of this world? How very vain. How very ha ha ha.
Shut your hole! For once, while I am still breathing. I don’t care; I simply do not give a damn. I will speak, I will pour out my heart and mind content, whether the world is listening or sick and tired of my whining. Do you think I care? It is the all-so goody goody Mother Nature that you should blame not me. I don’t ask to be born. I don’t ask to be born as a human. I don’t ask to be bestowed with brain and emotions. Gosh! Emotions. High time wire and tangle up emotions. Yeah, I challenge you to a duel, if it is your sound opinion that this type of thinking could only be happening to a woman. With all those highly charged hormones, I then should be bound to feel and think this way, yeah right, say it again and I swear to whoever listening and care to witness that you would not see the light of another day. Making utter generalization on this will be your last generalization on anything, at all.
All right, all rise and say “Don’t worry be happy” and hum that dee dada dum little notes. Let’s pretend I have never lost my grip there for a while. Maybe that will help. Even thought I am sure whoever wrote that little notes, was, does and always will have his own share of worry. Doesn’t matter, does it? Whatever!
All right. As this is supposed to be therapeutic. I am not supposed to condemn anyone. Including myself. Just simply stating the facts, be calm and reasonable. It surely will not help in any way to get in the murky water of emotions. Best to avoid it all together. Stick to the fact and analyze it calmly and rationally. You bet, Newton was not swearing his head off when that rotten apple landed smack right on his skulk.
Let’s start again. Right, at this moment in time, I am stuck in stagnation. How about that? I wonder, do all people consider themselves, to have a lot to offer in life? Have so much energy and brainpower and do goods ability in them? Can’t help but turning every stones to better-fying oneself and be useful, feel needed and be proud? Well, I do. I am surely do. But, is there anyone in that similar quest feel so misunderstood? Experiencing every close door with nothing seems to turn out right? Can’t even hold a rewarding and satisfying job cause somehow “that” company culture is not for “you”? You do not belong there but you desperately need the money, if you should to admit but too proud and rather walk out of the whole thing? Just to start again searching the newspapers for another maybe not too similar job? And when trying to address the matter to others, bitterly realized that people just regard you as too hang up on yourself, too proud or even talking bullshit and a lot of craps and rolling in self-pity cause things didn’t work out like you want them to? Well, I do. So? What is wrong with that? I am not asking what is wrong with me. I just desperately want to know what is wrong with that life picture of mine.
Not to say that you do not have the education background. Jesus! You can read and write ok, you even have a degree or two up your sleeves. Not to say that you are green or wet behind the ear on job front. You have worked before, somehow even consider that you know exactly what you want as a career but can’t seem to get things to fall to place. One thing or another leads you back to scanning the newspapers, bury your nose under the job section and feeling anxious that there is nothing good enough for you, nothing up your alley. And trying to convince yourself that what you want as a career path is not an ordinary path other people would take, thus the opportunity is rarely showing its nose printed bold on the front page.
But you keep on dreaming. Hoping that when you can land a whatever job it is, you have saved the days, have a little money balancing your bank account again and scream a bloody freedom by spending it on little luxury of your heart desire. Complaining daily to whomever you happen to talk to or corresponding with about why this and that didn’t work. Why he or she didn’t have brain and logic. Like hell, like you have all the right to judge. Even though you feel all-righteous and hate people who judge. But you carry on anyway. Driving all your so-called friends nuts and one by one they just learn to ignore you and you rarely heard from them anymore. You graciously think that they are busy; they have a life of their own. In fact darling, they have better things to do then listen to your complaints in and out, fly over the window and back staggering drunk frenzy of self-justification. You even told them that you are tired listening to your own self-complaining about the same old things, which is absolutely true. And yet, sure you just can’t help it but to go on complaining cause the people that you meet daily are a bunch of morons. Hah! You believe that till the end of the day.
When people told you that you are talking bullshit. You simply hate what they are saying and shut them out from your life. Branding them, people that you could not relate to and not bother to try to value as anything, and slot them in a special black box, labeled do not open, ever.
In the case that people agree with you that you are down on your luck at the moment and yes true, true, the morons people who you describe with your heart contain are truly genuine morons and your feelings are very much valid. You can’t help but wonder, can you? Are they? Is it all exaggeration over a void? You start to regret little things, like you should hold your horses, keep the job, take the monthly paycheck and shut your gob and be done with all the nagging and complaining. Enjoy yourself with the little money that you have. And then you start wondering, whether the person that hold the same agreement and acknowledge your feelings as reasonable, is right in his/her head? Your skeptical mind racing and trying to find reasons from all angles. You started to poke around his or her empathy, trying to figure out what this person got to hide by agreeing with you. Cause you know, or you should think you know that you tend to blow everything over proportion and lull in self-pity but hide in the name of logic and what is right (in your head not necessary to others) and the so-called your much treasured common sense. Exhaust yourself by questions after questions and finally you draw back. Thanks goodness you come to your senses and stop bullying others with emotional of however logical arguments. Shut yourself days and nights, trying to numb all senses.
Until the next time around, you will pull yourself up. As you have learned to pick up the pieces, which of course shattered by your own self-tantrum. You tell yourself that you could be whole again, until next time, yes next time. You won’t let yourself fall too far down. You try to convince yourself that there is no one in this world care about yourself except of course, you. And the story goes on, while you drown in self-love and finally, yeah you got another job. But guess what, it’s the beginning of a circle. But of course, you won’t admit it. You surely still have the high hope that yes, this is it and you promise yourself this time would be better. This time, days eventually start waking up on the right side of the bed. Who knows? Maybe. You surely hate to see everything you want or “maybe” you want, all up in the air, they might fall to your lap or they might just fly to the other direction and leaving you with nothing. However, to put the end to it, you must feel a bit relieve knowing that something there in the air, better than nothing at all. Upon nothing, you could not bear to live anymore under that circumstance and think of those suicidal thoughts again and cry yourself to sleep. Ha! Another useless act from yourself, which you are too proud to banish. What for, you think, cause you even consider that as an act of balancing your emotion and logic. What a complicated and twisted mind, which you can’t help but treasure, as you do not have anything else to do and to be proud of.
So, from the very start. I know this is not going to be therapeutic at all. What therapy? This is just simply putting words on blank screen. Punching the keyboards for a string of words cause I do not have anything better to do. I am just pretending that I could write all this up and somehow I could feel a lot better. Hah! Therapeutic indeed. I should be considering being a shrink ah … a psychiatrist, among other things that I want to be. Still like a child, when asked, what do you want to be when you grow up? Eyes twinkling, heart pounding, I want to be a painter (no you can’t, you can’t even draw a straight line!), I want to be a singer (don’t you start, you can’t even win that goddamn karaoke contest!), I want to be a writer (ha ha yeah right, you don’t even know the different between plot and main idea, yeah sure just write whatever come to mind, you are doing just swell!), I want to be a consultant (oh god help the people who have to consult you for anything!). Bla bla bla all ends with a baba black sheep, in other words, nothing, I couldn’t be clearer than that.
Oh no, no, this is not a suicide note. Give me a credit; this is surely way too long for that kind of “Sorry, I need to end this, but first listen to my last grouchiness about what’s wrong with this world!” note. I am not going to give the people the satisfaction, exhale that deep relieve breath “thanks god you are dead!”, after reading this note. Ha ha, to think that I wrote all this to keep on torturing the world or myself in particular, maybe, why should I stop, after this “simple” note, drop dead, forgotten and let everyone else leave in peace. Oh no, ah ah, I am going to haunt all of you. If I could not make myself understood in this lifetime. I would try again the next time around. Surely, I haven’t done major harm to anyone, which entitled me to be reborn as a field mouse after judgment day.
But hold on a minute, yeah I think it is. Eh is it? Yes, yes, I do think so. This is actually really turned out to be a remedy. Amazing! Hallelujah! This is absolutely therapeutic. My gosh! I feel so much better, much, much lighter compared to this afternoon before I started writing all this down. Oh, wow!
(Ehm…. I think I have sprained my wrist trying to type so fast, these last 2 hours 44 minutes 43 seconds. My butt is going numb and my eyes are watering from staring at the computer screen too intensely. How about your soul? Arrgh humbug! There’s nothing like a soul, what are you talking about? Like I say, your particles are the same basic substance as the next table, you feel this turmoil because you have a chemical imbalance in your body, take your vitamins and whatever amino acids they gave you. You’ll be fine in the morning! Go on, hush! Go on!)